Christina's Country

The Magickal, Merry Meanderings of Gypsy Soul!

Ice Cream, Bad Decisions & The Psychology of the Pile of Shame

Last night I wanted ice cream. Lets put it this way, last night I would have ice cream… It was one of those divinely inspired feminine things, and I was going to have ice cream!

I know that I am really better off keeping dairy to a bare minimum, and that a cookie dough sundae with peanut butter topping and chocolate sprinkles is never as good as it seems in one’s mind. What I should have done, was used my So delicious non-dairy ice cream like frozen desert and made real peanut butter topping and had at it, but I did not do that, and now I wish I had. Ugh! And you know what? It really never is as good as you imagine it will be when you are en route to the Queen of the Dairies! But, somehow, we forget and our inner divine Feminina, who shall not be denied in her time, takes over.

This was not the only bad decision that I have made. Alas, it seems that I may be human after all! There is the “Pile of Shame” pictured here below….

My Pile of Shame

My Pile of Shame

In my Pile live a rainbow colored tank top, almost done too, just a strap and a half left!, made form cotton. It weighs like a hundred pounds and makes me look like a sad, rainbow hued sausage when I try it on. I hate it and am having a hard time even trying to finish it for charity it is so onerously awful.

Then there is the shawl that I began from an unraveled thrift shop sweater… BO-RING! Not at all how I imagined it would look. Ooops.. Lost interest….

There is the sweater I began for the hubby. I am afraid it will not be worn because it may be too scratchy for “he-who-loves-soft-t-shirts”. It is complicated in design and has lost am attention as well.

And then there is the horse purse I began a few days ago. I love the purse and would love to have it done. I know I’d wear it all the time, BUT the pattern is just so dang boring that I am having a hard time keeping my eyes focused on the work before me. They just kind of drift around the room to find something more interesting to look at every few minutes!

Why does this happen? ( Not h eye drifting thing, the constant beginning of projects and then hating them, leading to their prompt abandonment). Am I the only one who does this? I imagine that I am and that all of the other crochet and knitting people choose patterns and then happily stitch them to completion, taking great pride in their accomplishment!

I was once in a yarn shop and finished what I came to call the horrible never ending green shawl right in the shop. The other women had looks of horror on their faces when I finished it and then held it up and promptly stuffed it right back into my yarn bag saying, “Next!”

They did not get it when I said that I had developed a keen hatred for the thing and knew that I would never wear it. So, really, lets move along, shall we? What is next?

Well, I think I know the answer to that one. It has a couple of important factors to it:

1)  I love natural, neutral colors and all natural, undyed woolen yarns. They appeal to my Nature Girl side. I fantasize about making many colored designs using only naturally occurring wool colors, like Icelandic yarn coats. I once had one of these once and loved it for many, many years. Even after it became balding and thin, I kept it for a good long time before being able to part with it. The hubby had given me that one Christmas and I would not be sad if I got another one day, or if I made one I guess.

2) I love multicolored yarns that blend and change colors. I enjoy patterns that have some sort of easily repeated design element all the way through so I can watch the design develop as I stitch and see the color-play move along. They remind me of Dead shows, tie dye shirts and I just love multi-colors in general. I own 1 white shirt (at least it is embroidered) and there is not one white wall in my home (Orange, chocolate, sage green and pepto bismol pink.. yes. White? No!) I actually hate white cars! There is no self expression in white. One just fades into the light and wafts away somewhere… BO-RING!

The problem with the first factor is that plain Jane patterns and neutral colors, although pleasing to Mother Nature, cause me to fall into a sort of comatose stupor and then I fall asleep!

The issue with the second factor is that, well… the issues are entirely my own psycho-somatic ones really! I feel like fun, colorful things don’t look good on me. I’m the wrong shape, clothes like that only look good on Twiggy. I’m the wrong look, age, etc. My problem.. not the yarn or the patterns. Obviously I have uncovered a self- esteem problem which I don’t want to trivialize by saying that everyone has one, but (Argh! The power of the obvious compels me!), “Everyone has one!”

It’s still not an excuse..

The answer is as follows: get over the self esteem crappola and create what you love instead of what is safe and oh-so-dowdy, or risk wasting hugh amounts of living time and buying untold skeins of yarn that are destined to get half knit and then its “Stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!” and no one ever sees those shameful things again! I know its awful , but it is an artistic black hole that I have succumb to over and over ( and over!) in my life and have had to learn repeatedly to forgive myself for “what I could have created by now and where I could have been had I not fallen prey again to my crappy self esteem that is really just a reflected collection of other people’s poor self esteems”, and move along.

Ok, before I go any deeper… Guess its time, once again, to forgive myself for not choosing what I really loved the first time, and then frog it or forget it!



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